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Carrie is Quitting
The quit journal of carriep63
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8.9.06 - Number Two
Mraz and Me
4:05pm My second smoke of the day.

I feel:

Anxious
Guilty
Weak
Hopeless
Frustrated
Tied Down
Out of control

I don't like feeling any of these things. I feel that if I never had that smoke at 2:00pm, I would be fine right now, but since I had that first one it's all a downward spiral. I feel like I should just continue smoking tonight and try again to quit tomorrow. Somehow I know this isn't the right path to follow. "I'll quit tomorrow." I need to pick a day and stick with it. I don't feel that today is the day because I've already "ruined" it by smoking.

My 2:00pm goal was to wait for two hours. I reached that goal and it was the most painful two hours I remember. The funny thing about it, before I was quitting I could go two hours with no problem. It's knowing that I have set a limit that is hard to handle.

When does this stop being the only thing I can think about?
Mraz and Me
3:35pm. I am dying to smoke right now. Only 1.5 hours since my last one. I think if I had never had that one that I would be ok now. I feel like I'm starting all over again.
8.9.06 - scratch that
Mraz and Me
I made it until 2:00pm. A personal record. I just came inside now, and I feel like crap. I'm dizzy, I have a terrible taste in my mouth and I don't feel satisfied in the least. I feel guilty (of course) am I am trying to rationalize my smoking. I keep thinking "it's not my quit day, don't feel guilty." I want to set a quit day for Saturday (because I don't work), but will I quit? I don't know. I have an entire pack of cigarettes sitting on the dining room table. I don't think I would have had that one at 2:00pm if I didn't have any. The urge wasn't strong enough to go out and buy a pack. I did it just because.
Mraz and Me
It's been 12 hours since my last smoke. I've only been awake for 2.45 hours. This is not my quit day (I don't have one in mind yet. I'm really scared to set it and fail like I did on Monday) but I am testing myself this morning. I made a mini goal. Wait at least one hour before having my first cigarette. I woke up at ten, my hour was over at eleven, I've still not had one and it's 12:45. I would really like to have a cigarette. I've been thinking about it ever since I woke up (on and off).

As part of my Freedom from Smoking module, I have to keep track of all of my cigarettes so I can pinpoint my triggers. They've given me a "Pack Tracks" worksheet that fits inside my pack of smokes. I'd rather use this outlet than the "Pack Tracks" if I can. That way I can record exactly how I'm feeling and why I want to smoke insted of just checking off boxes.

So, this is my first recording. I am really thinking about having smoke right now, but I'd like to wait the extra 15 minutes and make it an even three hours after waking. It literally feels like hunger to me. I do understand why people quitting tend to eat more. It's like a gnawing ache in your stomach and my brain is going overtime. I am proud of accomplishing my mini-goal, but feel quilty that I am going to smoke at all. I have to let go of the guilt or this will never work. I'm going to smoke now.
8.9.06 - Quit update
Mraz and Me
I didn't quit on Monday. Bleh. I barely even tried. I'm pretty disappointed about it but I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. I already feel like a guilty cheat everytime I smoke. My husband managed to go all day without a cigarette yesterday until about 12:30 (am, he couldn't sleep).

Anyway, I am trying a new quit tactic with the help of the American Lung Association. It's called "Freedom from smoking" and it's an online program that mainly focuses on different weekly "modules" with message board support. I will continue to take my medication as usual (and hopefully it works eventually).

This occupies my mind night and day. I've never taken the time to think about smoking before. It was as natural to me as eating. You're hungry, you eat. You're *addicted*, you smoke. I smoke when I talk on the phone, when I read the morning paper, when I drive, when I'm between customers, when I'm excited, when I'm bored, when I'm sad, mad, happy, afraid, etc. The only time I remember not actively thinking about a cigarette for more than two hours was when we saw Jason Mraz play at Schuba's Tavern in Chicago. Since I can't see Jason everyday, I have to do something else. Unfortunately for you guys, that something will probably be posting a boring entry every ten minutes.

[edit for CQ] Just to avoid boring everyone to death, I've created this community.
8.5.06 - I'm quitting
Mraz and Me
I'm quitting. Smoking. This was not my idea originally, Monica brought it up at work. The target quit date was August 1st. I had a plan in mind; call the Dr., get a script for Zyban and buy some nicotine gum. Then throw all of my cigarrettes away on August first and never look back. Well... that didn't happen. I called the Dr. (on 8/1) and he prescribed the Zyban no problem. I got it filled and bought the gum. But... according to the doc, the pharmicist and the instructions for the medicine, I have to keep smoking for the first week while I'm on it and quit on the second week. So my August first plan was thrown out the window (in my mind). I did start the medication on the first and I suppose that counts as the first step. So, new quit plan went into effect.

Monday, August 7th, 2006 is my quit day.

This is the day when I plan to get rid of all of the cigarettes, ashtrays and lighters in my home and car. (My husband is doing this as well.) Neither of us work that day, perhaps we can find some activity to fill the first day. I'm not sure whether he will quit on Monday or not, he just started his script two days ago, but I would hate to wait any longer than I have to...

Originally posted in carriep63 on August 5th, 2006
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